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Failed U.S. Senate candidate and former Congressman Beto O’Rourke (D-TX) announced on Thursday that he will be seeking the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination and it took less than 24 hours for late-night host Jimmy Fallon to publicly ridicule him.
In a sketch for the “Tonight” show, Fallon portrays O’Rourke as an overzealous man-child who drank one too many Red Bulls and whose only claim to fame is failing to oust Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) in Texas.
Seated next to his long-suffering “wife” as she clings to his rapidly flailing arms, Fallon’s O’Rourke begins his announcement by reminding everyone that he’s super “excited.”
“Hi, I’m Beto O’Rourke and I’m excited!” Fallon says in the sketch before admitting once again that he’s excited. “That’s it! I’m just excited.”
Then Fallon’s O’Rourke gets to the heart of the matter: He’s running for president, a task he’s perfectly suited for because he loves running … literally.
“Oh yeah! I’m also running for President of the United States. I love the United States, and I love running,” he says. “In fact, I literally just ran eight miles to get here.”
He continues: “Folks often say to me: we don’t know much about you, Beto; we know you ran against Ted Cruz in Texas; we know you’re hot – and then usually the ‘hot’ thing comes up again.”
But, of course, the real question on everyone’s mind is: Who’s the “real” Beto O’Rourke? Well, according to his Fallon doppelganger, he’s “like if a compassionate head nod turned into a person.” Because the truth is, you see, he cares. He cares so much. And here are just two examples he provides:
Thanking every “individual leaf for its sacrifice” every time he eats a salad.
Donating his blood and not stopping until the “last possible second.”
As to whether or not O’Rourke can beat President Trump in 2020, the answer to that question is as obvious as his excitement: “Heck yeah! I was born to do this!”
He goes on: “I’m like if your friend’s hot dad had the energy of a golden retriever. Ruff! God, I feel so passionate right now. I love America! I love Democracy! I love air!”
After taking a deep breath of the air he loves so much, Fallon’s O’Rourke addresses the elephant in the room: The fact he has nothing to offer beyond good looks and super excitement.
“Now, do I have the perfect record? No, sure,” he says. “I’ve done my fair share of whip it’s in 7/11 parking lots, but hey, that crap just makes me relatable. Oh wait, did I just curse? You bet your crap I did! Beto’s still got a little bad boy in him. Now let’s talk about some motherf***ing policy.”
He continues: “First, I support the Green New Deal. I also support the words green, new, and deal. God, they’re so great! Next, I believe in a woman’s right to choose, in all aspects of life. In fact, I make all of my decisions via Instagram polls and I only allow women to vote on me.”
In the end, he admits that there are more “experienced candidates” in the field with clearer policy ideas. He provides no rebuttal to that salient fact.